5 minutes longer
Feeling a little vulnerable yesterday, I wanted to “walk away” from what was in front of me. I knew that I was feeling pain again and I didn’t want to accept that this may be “it”.
While on an endurance run, all the ligaments around my knees blew up like moon bounces. I kept running all the while hoping to goddess they would eventually loosen up enough for me to see the last minute roll in 40. I dead-stopped at 32…couldn’t muster enough mental stamina to withstand 8 more minutes of pain. That annoyed me thoroughly enough to sprinkle this meaningful introspection with massive f-bombs. On the way home, I said aloud, “I can’t take this anymore…I don’t want to hurt anymore…I’m cooked…I’m done.” All I could think about was 29 years…I gave my legs all that they could take from ballet to a debilitating car accident…during which I have 19 years of cross country/trail/road racing…wrecking it and rehabbing.
The night progressed and I realized that I was strangled in a moment of weakness and had to undue the life-sucking ropes.
This made me think about others out there who fight, prevail, stumble, doubt, fight again…prevail again…stumble again…doubt again…step…repeat. Who makes it out of that treacherous circle? The few…yes, very few. I admire my peers and even the closest people to me who are examples of fighting off the cyclone of death that sucks the perseverance out of one’s spirit. Who am I to just quit? What a disappointment I would be if after all these years I decided to shift my way into Stage Mellow. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to see that day come…when I’m old and grey…wait…even then I may not be able to sit still…I hope.
So, out of this moment of weakness has come yet again another chance to experience a humble re-beginning. One more time…one more chance. And, if it doesn’t work out…off to the next good thing….what ever that may be. Such is the excitement of life.
A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Power in numbers
It’s raining outside. Actually, it’s a downpour and normally I would be shunning the gray sky and humidity that make my bones feel like re-fracturing. But, today…that’s not the case.
There’s a peaceful tapping from the rain outside my window which is washing away the audible chaos of phone calls while blankets of wetness douse the visual maelstrom of rapid-fire emails.
Sometimes, it’s easy to lose focus of the day when frenzy surrounds you from the moment your eyelids are peeled open for the first sight of blaring mental to-do lists. We try as hard and as fast as we can to scurry to the front of everyone else. In doing so, there’s the threat of losing ourselves and nothing is worse than becoming our own worst enemy. It’s hard enough that we try so hard to stay in front as the wave of like-minded humanity races to the top…because we have all been bred to know that #1 means only one thing…there’s no else up there but you. So, the battle from the beginning is a singular effort that can turn out to be very lonely and quite dissatisfying.
Although a healthy dose of competitiveness offers its advantages, I no longer thrive on the sole effort to make it to the top. Honestly, that’s been my downfall for which I seek the appropriate penance… sharing my efforts with others and, in turn, learn from their efforts as well. It’s no longer “me against the world” but a concerted effort to elevate the true essence of power in numbers. Yes, all this is coming to me as the rain picks up downward velocity. Wiping away my desire to crawl back into a warm soft bed, I’m nudged to do quite the opposite…find a way to make my efforts in life more meaningful. Quite frankly, what drives me harder is to witness the mass effect of positivity flowing in the same direction. Like massive schools of fish, sharks don’t stand a chance.
Photo by Peter Lamberti
Nothing focuses the mind better than the constant sight of a competitor who wants to wipe you off the map. - Wayne Calloway
Valiant
On Saturday night, my good friend Stephanie surprised me with a belated birthday outing. The evening was filled with laughter, introspection, comfort and plain ol’ having a good time. During one of our more introspective moments, she made a statement that made me think about a few people in my life who are endurance athletes. I paraphrase: I believe that most endurance athletes…even the most competitive ones…have a lot of pain that need healing. It is through sport that they find solace.
I was left with this thought yesterday as I was indulging in the sunshine and warmish temps. Looking up at the sky as I plopped myself down on the grass after an easy ride, a peaceful wave of acceptance enveloped me. It came after I thought about the sad news I received a week ago from my cousin that her son was stillborn at birth. I couldn’t think of ANY good reason why this happened to such a kind, caring, funny, loving woman. Yet, this Earth teems with malignant cancerous humans who get away with murder, deception and disruption to the fabric that makes our world beautiful. This is cruel; however, running away/masking the pain will only exacerbate it if acceptance that it IS going to hurt and feeling upset, sad, lonely and vulnerable are not the enemies. Fear is the enemy.
The human spirit is so resilient but it doesn’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be a hero for anyone but to yourself first. Haven’t you noticed that even Wonder Woman and Superman have had their fair share of pain?…I’m just sayin’ ;-)
For each of us who hurt inside, there is a tremendous amount of peace at the other end of that long dark tunnel if you do choose to travel in the right direction. No matter how much the tunnel turns, you really only have one choice…go forward or backward.
Cowards die many times before their deaths, the valiant never taste death but once. - Julius Caesar
On a lighter note...
I've got nothing to do today but smile. ― Simon and Garfunkel
Faster than light
Escaping
Remain faithful to your happiness because no matter where you go or what you do pain travels faster than light.
First thought of the day
The first thing I thought about today: this is another day to make it what you want it to be. So be it.
Supposing you have tried and failed again and again.
You may have a fresh start any moment you choose,
for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down.
- Mary Pickford
Relentless pursuit
Invictus - William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
After getting off the phone with the race director yesterday, I accepted reality: pulling out of the Penn Relays Distance Classic 20K this Sunday. About a year ago, I posted my experience (http://diannesanluis.com/clamoring-back). For a year, I have been eying the podium. Since that post, I have not only broken my right arm 4 days after the race (http://diannesanluis.com/51135689) but have also experienced re-occuring knee and asthma issues (exercise-induced of all things!).
Given a few heartbreaking moments of private panic attacks, I opend my eyes to the possibility of revisiting something I've loved and lived throughout my life (hint: the pictures of this post). In a few short weeks, my life changed and it was time to completely re-evaluate my focus...again. Maybe it's time to concentrate traveling a path of least destruction.
But, trust me, it comes with its fair share of discomfort.
Ballerina's bruised feet
However I go about restarting this journey, it is with relentless pursuit to live my passions. After all, the the show must go on (http://diannesanluis.com/happy-new-year).
34th year... it's going to be good one
As every runner knows, running is about more than just putting one foot in front of the other; it is about our lifestyle and who we are. - Joan Benoit Samuleson
My 33rd year was a mixed bag of ups-and-downs. For this reason, I am compelled to think about the past few weeks which have crafted a sharper focus for year 34.
Looking back, everything that was experienced produced a positive outcome regardless of origination. So here’s what was cooked up from the ingredients of the past year:
- Love (romantic, platonic and familial) can hurt but that’s ok as long as you believe that pain doesn’t close the door to a flourishing heart
- Friendships should be treated like lifelong partnerships…don’t go out of your way to make friends…true friendships are as natural as breathing
- Work should be loved and enjoyed…without those components it just becomes an impetus to imprison our desire for material gains
· This is going to be a straightforward year for me: approach it with mindful simplicity. Do what is loved and stop worrying that it isn’t going to be perfect.
Life's battles don't always go to the strongest or fastest man, but sooner or later the man who wins is the fellow who thinks he can. – Steve Prefontaine
Lastly...
When anyone tells me I can't do anything, I'm just not listening anymore. - Florence Griffith Joyner
Mabuhay ya'll...it's going to be a good year...for sure.
Trial after trial
Several converstions yesterday prompted me to think about this quote:
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. – Robert Frost
Everyone has a mode by which they operate. For me, the mode has always been accepting that life must go on in order for the past to be just that. Accepting this isn't without its associated heartache but such is the nature of "growing pains". In fact, those converstions had to be translated into my final decision to pull out of this Sunday's race. Knee/IT band issues have been constant enemies to my running life but I've learned to accept it and move on. There will be other opportunities to put my legs to the test when it matter most, like the Penn Relays Distance Classic on April 22nd. That race is the penultimate test to podium before focusing soley on racing triathlon for 2012. This Sunday was just the warm-up. Since I've scratched it off the docket, now is time to rehab/strengthen as best as I can before the big day.
The big picture is what matters most. The old me would've been guns blazing into Sunday...limping, sharp pains and all. Then what?
When I have fully decided that a result is worth getting I go ahead of it and make trial after trial until it comes. – Thomas Edison
Simple
Schuylkill River at sunset
It is the route that I take almost every morning or evening: run along Schuylkill River to watch the sun rise or set. How many times have I done this same route? Try 30+ years. Never once have I looked at it with sullen boredom. In fact, there is something about its surroundings that I find most alluring amongst the people who traverse and immerse themselves in it. Last night, as I ran the trail during sunset I absorbed the sights of rowers on the pink-laiden river, a photographer capturing candids of a bride and groom to-be, boulderers muscling for a crimp in the rock, runners, cyclists...Canadian geese.
All that was simple was even more beautiful.
We ascribe beauty to that which is simple, which has no superfluous part; which exactly answers its end; which stands related to all things; which is the mean of many extremes. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
And, sometimes, there is something to be said about those things that come at us by surprise...those things that aren't as subtle. But, eventually even these things become part of what is simple...the warmth one's sensuous smile, the story lines of one's face, the changing spectrum of expressive eyes....
Afghan Girl - photo by Steve McCurry, National Geographic
Our hearts are drunk with a beauty one could never see. – George W. Russell
